UnDiscarded

You laughed everytime the thunder and lightning jolt me. But right this very afternoon, all I want to do is lay my head on your shoulders as we listen to the sound of rain angrily tapping the window sill.

Hiro Nakamura is now on mute. The subtitle serves its purpose very well.

We ate so much pizza it can keep us full for the next three days. Remember when you enumerated all the cheeses we've tried so far? Well, all we got right now is melted mozzarella and grated parmesan.

This may be the last time we'd be like this. Tomorrow, you might just meet her--- this long-haired, doe-eyed girl with the sweetest laugh and the gentlest voice. And you will fall in love with her. She's going to fall in love with you. And then the two of us, can't be like this anymore.

Or, tomorrow, I might meet him --- the guy who looks like Peter Petrelli and plays the guitars and write songs. And I am going to fall in love with him. He will fall in love with me. And then the two of us, can't be like this anymore.

I fear that day --- us not being like this. But we both know. No matter how sweet and beautiful things are between us right now, it won't be forever. The rain will stop. We'd run out of pizza. You'd have to go home.

We dread saying goodbye and avoid it until we really need to. When we part ways, we say, "See you later".

You have no idea how much I wish for things to stay this way. But then again....

I'm resisting the urge to go on tantrum mode, to rant and complain about certain things. But I'm getting pleasant little popups in my head. Beautiful little spywares they are. So instead of plaguing this space and eating some bandwidth with it, I'm just going to redirect my thoughts to a different server, to some rather more pleasing/pleasant something else.

Things that make me believe everything will be okay.
(In no particular order)

- Little girl at SM who tagged my shirt and asked "Ate, magkano po ito?" while holding a toy bear
- The baby (while being carried by his mom) who poked my cheeks with his tiny fingers and giggled
* Do not make me explain this thing with me and kids. I can't.

- Chirping birds
* I hear them in Sapang Palay, in La Paz, and even in Better Living. Just when you thought that the environment is about to give up on humans.

- Cummo-cirrus clouds (cotton candy and feather clouds)
- Sunshine, rain, typhoon

- Firetree
* I don't exactly now what that tree is called but it's this tree that looks like acacia but has more clusters of red orange flowers than leaves. From afar, it looks like a it has this amber crown. When you go to UP Diliman in October, you will see the entire stretch between the Faculty Center and Engg Bldg lined with fallen flowers. It feels like autumn.

- LRT
* Packed as always, conducive to pickpockets and other petty crimes (like tyansing(?) hehe.), probably older than some of you. But it still gets you to where you need to be.
** Also, MRT.. Looks new but starts to show signs of age or overuse. Bata pa e malalaspag na.


- Pizza
* Any flavor, any variant, any brand. Give me 3M and I'll be okay.

- Laughter
* I used to miss someone's laughter. But it's all good now. Snow Patrol says it best in Hands Open and I'll say it too: I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it/ Collapse into me tired of joy

- Books
* Margaret Atwood, Paolo Coelho.. I say their name like they know me and as if it matters, hehe..

- Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star, Manila Bulletin
* Bad news can't be made over unlike Kris Aquino's fat. But you know that even if everything in this country- from the government to the sidewalk vendors to traffic to (insert your noun here)-- all sucks, somehow, we survive one day at a time. Also, Bulletin has such expansive Classified Ads section it makes you wonder if there is enough tinapa to wrap it with.

- DZMM
* Okay! Tha'ts AM radio. And I listen to AM.

- Videoke
* Everything videoke from the music of the BeeGees to Celine Dion to Fralippo Lippi, and to yes, Aegis. Videoke makes me feel that things can get really really bad (like some people's voices, hehe, sorry, )but everything will be alright

- 7-Eleven and Other Convenience Stores (Oops, sounds like a bit of discrimination there, hehe)
* Thank you for saving my life!

- EDSA, NLEX, SLEX, Taft Ave., Espana, Avenida, Commonwealth, Litex, Batasa, Aurora Ave. and all the network of roads in Metro Manila
* Potholes and traffic and all. We need to take these roads/streets at least once in our lives

- Malls
* Self-explanatory

- Sale
* Self-explanatory

EEE6. Essentials of Electrical & Electronics Engineering.
(Now: EEE 1)

Course Description: Analysis of DC and AC Circuits. Ideal Transformers. Motors and Generators, characteristics and Methods of Control. Diode and Transistor Circuits. Digital Circuits and Logic Gates. Transducers and Transducer Circuits. Operational Amplifiers. Motor Control. Feedback Control Systems. Introduction to Digital Control. Introduction to Programmable Logic Controllers.
Prerequisites: (Applied Physics, IE, ChE, and ME students) Physics 72/Physics 102, and ES 21/Math 121.1
Credits: 4 units (3 units lecture + 1 unit laboratory)

I had to take that. It's like they sqeezed in EE in one sem. It was a required general engineering course that all engineering students, regardless of their major, had to take. EEE (Department of Electrical and Electronics Engineering) at UP Eng'g has the reputation of being the breeding groud for nerds. EEE majors are Promil kids who walk the lobbies of Melchor Hall, NEC, and their own building near NIGS and CS lib while daydreaming about circuits and discrete mathematics.

I was lucky enough that I was required 4 units only, just one subject. Not lucky at all! EEE6 was hell as math, chem, physics series all rolled into one. EEE 6 is the academic equivalent of some teams I know -- very high attrition rate. Legend has it that at the start of the semester, you go to class in the hope that you will pass. Towards the end of the sem, you go to class in the hope that you will pass... next sem!

There was this rule, for our class at least, that if you pass all four exams (scheduled weeks apart), you would not have to take the finals. Well, I was not a Promil kid and no matter how much info I crowd in my head, I did not pass all four exams. So I had to take the finals. Finals was make or break. Pass it or See You Next Sem.

Exam day saw me skimming through 8 problems. Pick 5 problems and solve. So help me God! I don't even remember how I solved 5 problems. All I can remember was that the paper I had for scratch (computations, doodling, nonsense,etc.) was far more the paper I actually submitted.


I went back to the EEE building two days after to check the results. It was around 10 am but for some reason, the sun looked and felt like it was 1 pm. It felt like the sun was piercing through my skin, fraying it off. I feared that at the rate my heart was pounding, and my skin shredding off, I might just have obliterated myself even before I became aware of it.

I got in just fine. I can barely feel anything at that time, though. The lobby felt like a very long tunnel. To the right was the door I need to get in. That was the only room with the light on.

Practically the entire class was inside that room, gathered in groups, discussing their scores. I went to the table where the exam papers were initially piled up. At that time, it looked like a tornado just hit it. I looked for my paper and I did not find it. Not there! I spent probably 10 minutes looking for my paper. It did not occur to me to ask any of my classmates. I did not have "friends" in that class. I was beginning to resign to the fact that I will have to do everything all over again next sem.

Well, not. Our prof was sitting at his table, looking at some exam papers and discussing with one of my classmates. I guess, it took me a while to differentiate him from the rest of the class because he looked just like one of us. I mean, he was like, I think, 2 batches ahead. I was going to ask him which trash bin did his toss my paper in when I noticed that one of my classmates was holding my exam paper. Why the heck? I was so weary of other people prying on my paper and exposing my stupidity, not even when no one in that class knew me.

Turns out my paper was not telling the class how stupid I was. The paper was showing how to solve 5 problems out of the eight. I did not get a perfect score. That would be the like finding palm tree in the middle of a dessert. The score was the highest in the class. It was enough to guarantee that I am not spending another sem rearranging capacitors and resistors.

Faith. That was the only thing that I had at that time. I held on to something I wasn't very sure of. For at least one sem in my entire stay at Eng'g, I had faith. I had faith in myself; I had faith that the universe will not betray me.

It is not just religious faith that I am talking about. Faith as a confident belief in something no matter how illogical it may seem; Believing inspite of and because of. I need a lot of that right now.

Darn! How I forgot I was capable of that! Having faith. Believing. Trusting. And knowing that the universe will take care of things, including me.

Sometimes, even if you know the way, you'd still want someone to walk with you.

++

I understand things. But wouldn't it be better if you sometimes make me understand? Take the initiative to, no, not explain, but just tell me things. It fels like you assume that things are okay, that I'd accept things as they are. I do. But please, walk me through it. Please do not make me your doormat.

++

Best line ever said to me recently:
"Please do not let ________ make you feel less about yourself."

++

Can't wait to see __________. Take my hand and walk with me.

++

Torn between believing and letting go.
Believing is having faith in you, in fate, in time, in everything both obvious and unspoken.
Letting go, is having the strength to walk away from you, no questions, no apologies, no explanations.
Believing is trusting.
Letting go is giving up.

++

Most liberating line I've said recently:
" It feels nice to bitch about her sometimes."

++

Alcohol-induced melancholia.
Recently cried myself to sleep.
That night, it felt like all the wounds were ripped open and doused with alcohol.
Pain. But too numb to actually feel it.
"Ba't ka umiiyak?" I was asked.
"Hindi ako umiiyak." Lie. Terrible lie.
A few hours later, x bottles after, wring my blanket dry of tears.

You will never completely understand him.
You'll have expectations and he'll always fall short.
So stop having expectations.

Perhaps in your own head, you can concoct all these romantic stuff.
Hey, maybe come up with a full-length film starring the two of you.
But keep that in your head.

In reality, he will never come up with all the romantic stunts you've thought of because it's you who thought them up.
Not him.

He's the guy who would rather give you his jacket instead of saying I'll keep you warm.

He stays by your side as you cry out all your dramas instead of saying I'm here for you.

He drinks from your coffee cup, eats from your plate, and shares his pasta from his fork, instead of saying I'm sharing my life with you.

He sleeps on your shoulders and says you smell like home.

He puts his arms around your waist instead of saying I want you by my side.

He sends you a message that says hi and tired old joke instead of saying I miss you.

He remembers your birthday, probably the only other birthday aside from his mom's that he remembers.

He brings you a bottle of green tea instead of saying I just thought of you earlier.

He gives you a pin with the number 1 because, "You are number 1!". Yes, cheesy.

He plays mp3 of songs he'd sing to you but won't.

He checks on you everyday when you were sick, believes you will be okay but hates that you feel bad.

He asks you to cook for him instead of saying, "Please take care of me."

Rain. The weather reminds him of you.

Every time you part ways, he says see you soon because he can't wait seeing you again.


So you can fault him for falling short with your rainbow-colored fantasies. His eyes don't turn heart-shaped after all.

Fault him that his lame attempts at being romantic are limited to sending a poem you never read and deleted instead, and by saying I love you during an early morning chat.

...

I was at the North Luzon Expressway 10 minutes before 2AM. It was Monday after the long Holy Week Break. The bus that I was in got a flat tire but the driver kept on perhaps thinking that he can still make it to the exit tollgate. The tires behaved otherwise and eventually burst. We,at least were able to make it to the emergency bay. The passengers got off the bus. The driver then changed the tires. No big deal. People who drive know how to change tires. Well, most of them. In less than 20 mins, we were out of there. But it was still 20 minutes, standing on the emergency bay, 1 km short of the last exit, vehicles passing us by. Instances like that can make you look at the stars that wasn't there and think about your life that is, well, not quite there.

I spend more than a third of the day on the road on public transport. Consider how terrible the traffic is, brain workout is pretty much the best thing to do. It's way better than dozing off and risk being robbed. Okay, brain workout is euphemism for thinking. I understand some people are thown off at the mere mention of the word think. Some people resolved never to do that again--think, as if it's a tedious proces that involves advanced mathematical calculation (Speaking of math, I don't understand why people are scared of it. I am not a math superfan but math, like water and air, oil prize hike and e-vat, corrupt politicians and incompetent police officers, exists.). Thinking is why we have brains for.

I made the stupid mistake of walking back home yesterday.

It was raining the night before but that morning, it was just overcast. I thought it would be nice to walk because it's not sunny. Thing is, there were quite a few streets that still had gutter-deep floodwater. So, my tsinelas got wet and my so did feet, of course. When I got home, I washed my feet with germicidal soap right away. Health reasons. You'll never know what illness you'll get simply because you went through baha.

But more than getting my feet soaked and my head turn half-way paranoid, it was a mistake walking back because I really didn't feel like it. I like walking. Even when I can take the jeepney, I walk. I once told my friend that I walk because I want to clear my head. Yesterday, I thought I needed to clear my head. Turns out, I really didn't need to.

I feel a bit ashamed about having to quote Dashboard Confessional. I mean, Chris Carraba, good songwriter that he is, can't possibly fix this little, petty riff that I have with someone. But the words to that song were so apt I gave in and quoted it. Then I went on saying how I really feel. I don't know. I am crazy. I am paranoid. I stupidly walked through flooded streets when a cab ride would have prevented it.

+++

I was in a car with him. We were driving along the roads to Sagada. Then when I got off, it was a wet market in Thailand with another set of friends. Next thing, I was in an advanced math class, the professor, who looked like some Japanese actor, throwing me out because I don't belong there. Then I replied that they are actually having the class in my bedroom. Then I woke up, electric fan humming, blanket all rumpled to my feet.

It was still a Thursday, 9 hours later.

First thing on my mind was him. Darn it, it's been days and I still feel utterly miserable about having this petty misunderstanding with him.

And I said I am never blogging about him, ever.

I usually don't converse with cab drivers. Anyone who takes the cab knows how chatty these manongs can be. But earlier tonight, I was engaged in a banter and I learned more about myself than the topic we were talking about or about the driver himself.

He was tuned in to AM radio. The commentator was reading an email from a Pinoy listener who lived in the US. The email was about encouraging Pinoys in the US to reflect and consider how a Chanel bag that they'd buy for themselves can actually save a sick kid's life back here. The sender is asking well-off Pinoys to help those who are in need, at least one person at a time. He says it will make all the difference. He added that people from the government who go on shopping spree in the US should be very ashamed of themselves.

At that point, both the cab driver and I burst in a sarcastic laugh. Hindi mahihiya yang mga yan. Kakapal nyan e. We said that almost simultaneously. It was like a universal truth we know by heart.

Then we talked about politics and corruption. We talked about the President and corruption and millions being given away as gifts. Manong asked, quite rhetorically, if these government people still look at themselves in the mirror before they even speak about moral revolution and all that celluloid stuff. He said, these people should go around the streets at night and see that there are a lot of people sleeping on the streets, sidewalks, park benches. And then he was quick to add, "Kakapal talaga sila."

I was throwing in my share of commentary. On normal days, I wouldn't. I'll just let the Manong do the talking. But I was engaged in a conversation. Actually, it was more like mirroring, because I was agreeing with him all throughout.

Then I realized. I am like everyone else. I am disillusion and frustrated with the government, and perhaps about life in this country. I go to work everyday, at inconvenient hours. I have a job I don't really like but it's a job that pays the bill nonetheless. My pay is way above what a regular guy would get working in an office in Makati. On paper, it may appear like I am getting a lot. But in reality, I can barely make ends meet. And I am not extravagant at that. The tax deducted on my pay every month is equivalent to another person's pay. I am not complaining about the tax for as long as I see that it goes to where it should be. I could have that amount and send a kid to school. Instead, the government collects that from me and I am not quite sure where it actually ends up.

I got off the cab and gave Manong the exact amount. I can't afford to give him a tip. It was a 10-minute ride at 10 minutes before 1AM.

The traffic light doesn't stay red for a full minute but why does it seem like an entire lifetime has passed waiting for it to turn green?

The taxi felt like a snoring elephant. The bus right infront is spewing carbon monoxide and sulfur dioxide far worse than Pinatubo in 1990. AM radio saying that the government just got itself into yet another anomalous deal that could cost billions of dollars of foreign debt that poor taxpayers like me will have to pay for with blood, sweat, and freaking witholding tax. Cab drivers reverts to FM and I really wish they just played Dodong Charing than some novelty dance song that rings in your head until noontime the nextday when you get to hear it over your noontime show where it gets played again, then it stays in your head forever and you are doomed to hear it for the rest of your life. I sometimes wish that the cab would get run over by a container van coming out of the OOCL compound, passenger side, please. I can't drag manong driver into my own death wish.

San Marcelino looks too darn different at 4 pm. Got used to that street, streets at 2am -- Nagtahan, San Marcelino, Singalong, Quirino, South Superhighway. It used to be that the cab will turn left to Buendia. It needs to turn right first to P. Ocampo, and then cross South Superhighway on via Zobel Roxas. Otherwise, some police might just apprehend you, even at 10pm. I sometimes feel like I can go to these streets with eyes closed. Might try that one time.

I need to know where to go. But recently, the desire to drive, take the wheel and steer it is far more intense than actually knowing where to go. Initially, I thought it was just this long delayed plan of seriously learning how to drive. But I realized that it did not pertain only to cars, or driving a car. But most importantly, wanting to steer my life, taking control of it, and giving it a direction. It's not much about knowing where to go, what exactly to do, but taking full control of my life, of what happens to it,or how I deal with the things that happen or don't happen.

Drive. Driving even on streets without names, flickering traffic lights and faded traffic signs.

I was at Dairy Queen and Air Supply is playing. (Making Love) Out of Nothing at All. As if it's not enough that Jayar and Prime did all the Air Supply songs some Saturdays ago!

A friend sent me a text message asking me what songs I'd like played at my wedding.

Geez! Not Air Supply!

Unless I'm going for a videoke-themed wedding. Not!

+++
16 oz strawberry shake.

I associate certain food to certain people. Strawberry will always be associated with this guy who gave me, no more like, asked me to get strawberries from his bag. The next day he asked me how it was. Di pa rin daw nya kse nakain. They were good, like all Baguio starwberries are. Nothing really romantic in this scene, by the way. Basta, i just associate strawberries with him.

Someone hates me for associating him with palabok. Cheap ko daw. He'd rather that I'd think of him with fillet mignon or rib eye steak. Truth is, I associate him with chocolate cake, or liempo, or dimsum, or tapa. I think about him. Period. Food reference or not.

+++
The shop(s): Japan Home Center, Clipper
The skill: Terrible self restraint

Before going in inside any of these stores, I always stock up on the required skill. Thing is, even if you dont really plan on buying anything, once you get in, you will be tempted to buy things you: (1) don't really need; (2) you wont really use; (3) regret buying. So yes, self-restraint!

+++
We've made huge, spacious, big (insert your adjective here) malls. When are we going to stop and start thinking, "Hey, this is too big. Maybe I should stop." ?

Malaki pa ang North Triangle. Malaki pa ang Manila Bay, pwede pa i-reclaim.

Reading other people's blogs can lead you to a lot of things-- fascinating facts, useless trivia, prying on other people's lives. It can also lead you to some freaking self-realization. Or maybe not.

I got this: : 100 Reasons You are Still Single http://www.radaronline.com/from-the-magazine/2007/08/100_reasons_youre_single_1.php

I don't have to go through the entire list just to invoke some hostile reception within me. Reason number 1 did that.

Why are you still single? Possibly because you...

1. Call Grey's Anatomy simply "Grey's"


Amp!
+++

I don't like Meredith. Maybe because sometimes she comes of as too self-absorbed, or maybe because she is played by Ellen Pompeo. But really, I dont think any other actress can play Meredith better. I have the most sympathy to George and Izzie. Perhaps because I somehow relate to them.

Unlike me, Izzie, of course is a fictional character so she can say lines like this without really humiliating herself:

[to George] "I am an optimist. I am a fool. I am not sure. Because I'm your best friend, because I love you, if what you want is to be with Callie then I will do everything in my power to support you and help you make your marriage work. But because I'm your best friend, because I love you, I also have to say... that I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I can't promise a future, I can't promise perfection, because we're us, I'm me and you're you. no one knows what will happen. But in my heart, I am sure. I'm in love with you George. And I hope you're in love with me too.

Sue me! I not only call Grey's Anatomy Grey's. I also quote from it. So tell me, is this a curse? Am I doomed to singlehood for the rest of my life?

Intermittent heavy rains.
Was stupid enough not to bring umbrella early this morning and almost got soaked.
Looked stupid as students from La Salle and CSB with drenched umbrellas and soaked up jeans passed me by.
God loves even the stupid so rain stopped after 10 mins.
Was able to walk until jeepney stop.
Then sun!
Moral of the story.
An umbrella has its purpose.
Make it serve its purpose

I need to buy a guitar. I'm trying to learn playing the guitar again. Been dying to play "You" by Switchfoot. It's an old song by the band, actually, but I just heard it recently. Anyway, it was back in high school when I first tried learning how to play the guitar. I got up to the point where I actually know the chords but I never really get to play an entire song. I got so pissed off with my guy classmates then who thought that they were the only ones who could play a guitar. Fortunately, none of them ended up being rakista or even ended up in a show band. Alright, my fault, I made them win. I dropped playing the guitar since.

So why go pick up a guitar again? No, not planning on creating a rock band. I guess I'm bored. Or I'm boring. Either way, I need to do something.

I found a couple of websites that I guess are pretty helpful ( http://www.chordbook.com/guitarchords.php, http://www.learnguitarmusic.com/) . But I still need the real thing. How do you play the drums without a drumkit, anyway? Or learn how to drive without getting into a car? The only way to appreciate balut is to eat it and not by watching Fear Factor reruns.

A few months ago, I went to Davao City to supposedly visit some relatives. I did visit them. But I went to Davao primarily to kill my boredom. A friend sent me a message towards the end of my vacation. It says, "nearing the end of your vacation, nothing left but tan lines and an almost empty wallet as proof, you are faced by the envitable truth that you need to go back to work...". Well, something like that, forgot the exact words. I replied and said that I don't have tan lines, just an empty wallet and yes, the envitable truth that I have to go back to the same hamster wheel that I've been running in. (I forgot to tell that, on the bright side, I will get to see him again.) Damn, boredom cost me a few grand!

I spent my days in Davao being boring. It felt like I just transported my boredom to some far away place. Seemed like I tried to run away from it only to end up with it. But I wasn't complaining. Overall, the trip was good. Davao International Airport is just damn well beautiful. And I get to see uncles, aunts, cousins, I have not seen in 20 years! (Actually, some of my younger cousins, I've never really seen since they were born in Davao.) Anyway, my 19-yr old cousin Paolo plays the guitar. I don't know taht many 19-yr old's but I don't expect them to lock themselves up in their room and just play the guitar. Paolo does. He listens to Typecast and Finch and yes, writes some songs! Crafty little kid. Silent-type rakista. He actually looks like an older altar boy.

So there, that made me pick up the guitar again. Well, not really, I'm still to buy my own.

And then, there is this song by Switchfoot, "You". I'd like to play this song not as an mp3 on my phone but get the tabs and actually play it. But I need to learn how to play the guitar again to actually play the song. What's with the song anyway that sort of inspired me? It's a praise song that isn't preachy at all. You can sing it to your god or to your special someone and it would make sense. Lyrics below.


I need a guitar. I know it won't make me any less bored or any less boring. But at least I don't have to spend some big bucks trying to run away from boredom.

---------------


Artist: Switchfoot
Album: Legend Of Chin
Year: 1997
Title: You

There's always something
In the way
There's always something
Getting through
But it's not me
it's You

Sometime's ignorance
Rings true
But hope is not in
What I know
Not in me
It's in You

It's all I know

And I find peace
When I'm confused
I find hope when
I'm let down
Not in me
But in You

I hope to lose myself
For good
I hope to find it in the end
Not in me
It's You
It's all I know

Strategically, this may be the best place in the world.

The downside though, is that I have to endure peripheral toxicity.

I think it's okay to vent out. It's perfectly human to feel bad about things and sometimes, you just need to vent it out. Fine with me. also do that sometimes. But when someone incessantly rants and complains, shouldn't this person be a little more concerned about how she affects the people around her?

Ayos lang naman mainis at mabuwiset. Pero kung puro ka reklamo, dabog, negativity, di ba dapat mahiya ka naman sa mga tao sa paligid mo? Not everyone wants to absorb the negativity you radiate.

Sa totoo lang, naiinis na ako sa reklamo, dabog, etc. ng isang tao. Parang lahat na lang kasi kinakabadtripan, kinakainisan. Parang maya't maya na lang e naniinis. Ayoko sana maapektuhan. Kasi ayoko maging tulad nyang bad trip sa mundo. Pero minsan, di ko na rin matiis. Tumatahimik ako at nagsusulat nang ganito. Hehe. Parang ito na lang panlaban ko.

Proximity. Yun. Malas ko.

Well, one other thing. This person talks a lot! She keeps talking about herself. It's always, "Alam nyo ako..." These are stories she's told over and over, ad nauseam. I get exhausted just listening to her. One friend told me na parang kung anu-ano lang daw ang kinukwento sa akin ng tao na ito, parng wala daw kwenta naman. Hay. Dati ko pa gusto magsumbong sa kanya tungkol dito pero dahil akala ko maarte lang ako at ayoko na idamay pa siya, di ko na lang sinabi. Turns out, I'm not the only one who notices. Being near her is pure hazard to one's emotional well-being.

So what do I do? I keep quiet. Hopefully she takes a hint. Hopefully she realizes that she needs to stop ranting or at least minimize her "reklamo sa mundo". It would have been okay if she lived in a bubble wrap. But in the real world, people deal with her and she needs to deal with other people. Konsiderasyon man lang di ba?

I appreciate you spending time with me that afternoon. You could have just ignored me but you didin't. Thank you for hearing me out. Thank you for saying how you feel. I'm sorry for the hurtful things that I said. I'm sorry for putting you up against the wall sometimes. Andami ko parati sinasabi. Parati ka naman nakikinig.

I thought I had a quick-fix, end all solution. I thought that closure will make everything less complicated than it already is.

I still don't completely understand things. Pero I know now that I really shouldn't stress myself with it.

The Centripetal Force Requirement
Uniform circular motion can be described as the motion of an object in a circle at a constant speed. As an object moves in a circle, it is constantly changing its direction. Because of this direction change, you can be certain that an object undergoing circular motion is accelerating (even if it is moving at constant speed). And in accord with Newton's second law of motion, an accelerating object must be acted upon by an unbalanced force. This unbalanced force is in the same direction as the direction of the acceleration. For objects in uniform circular motion, the net force and subsequent acceleration is directed inwards. It is often said that circular motion requires an inward (or "centripetal") force.

The tendency of a moving object to continue in a straight line in the absence of an unbalanced force and to turn in a circle in the presence of a inward-directed force (i.e., centripetal force) has been experienced by any passenger in an automobile. When the car makes a sudden turn, the passengers tend to continue in their straight line path. This straight line motion continues until the presence of a side door or another passenger pushes upon the passenger in order to accelerate him/her towards the center of the turn. The force experienced by the passenger is an inward force; without it, the passenger would slide out of the car.

*The Physics Classroom http://www.physicsclassroom.com/mmedia/circmot/cf.html


Dear Benedict,

I am supposed to say this to you personally. But I guess, I am, well, too tired, or too emotional or, heck, I really dont know.

We are going around in a freaking sickening, tiring circle. This is the sad route we've been walking on for the longest time: We are: acquaintances, then, friends>> We become: close, cozy, comfortable>>You: quit talking to me, avoid me. I: keep quiet, stay away from you.>>> You: come around, talk to me again. I: assume I was just paranoid and imagined things, become comfortable with you again.>>> Then it just comes around, full, crappy circle.

I am not supposed to, and I don't usually do it anyway, say things when I am hurt. But what the heck, I am hurt, always have been. When we get to the point where you just pull away and detach yourself. It makes me feel like I did something crazy that may have offended or hurt you or whatever. It makes me feel like I made you feel bad about, I don't know, things, or life, or yourself.

You have no idea how tired I am feeling this way. But me being my stupid, little me, I just stay with you. I can pull away, walk away from you. And really, it may be the most convenient thing to do. But I just can't do it.

If there's anything wrong, about anything, say it. Just say anything. If you don't want me hanging around like a lazy bougainvilla on you fence, tell me. I'll pull myself away. Just don't do it this way. Don't just simply quit talking to me or avoid me or whatever. You're a bit crafty with getting rid of me, I can't enumerate all of it.

We are in a uniform circular motion, constant speed, and accelerating. Except that I am not that good at keeping up with centripetal force. I, in accord with Newton's second law of motion, tend to continue moving in a straight path. When you make a sudden turn, I tend to stay in that straight path. You drive, and you know too well that when you turn into a curve, a passenger needs to get some force that would sort of push him toward the center of the turn. Otherwise, the dear passenger will slide out of the car.

That's the thing. I travel on a straight line. If I were in a car with an open door (and no seatbelt on), I would have been thrown out of the vehicle, onto the next speeding dyip

I don't hate you. I guess, I can't hate you enough. Never will. You are a good person. Perhaps all that I am saying here is unfair. I'm sorry.

I was supposed to get used to it. It's been going on for some time and I should get used to it. But I just can't.

I hate to see you lose a friend this way, man, but you might just.

- Liz

I don't say this often, well, I don't say it at all. But I appreciate the things we share, the little time we spend together, the small stuff we always argue about, this unspoken, never-talked about bond that we have.

Sorry, I have a very bad case of separation anxiety. Not that we won't see each other again. I guess, I'm really paranoid about things.

I'm going to stop now.

I promised to be your friend for a long time. I just don't know how to do it if I feel this way.

I am never good at keeping touch. I mean, I do keep in touch with people, with friends, acquaintances, and all. But sometimes, when I don't hear from them after a while, I don't make enough effort to reconnect. For one, I guess, it's partly because nakakahiya. They may not remember me or may even know I still exist. Anyway, when I do reach out to them sometimes, I get something. Sometimes, I don't. But what the heck. The time I spent with these people, no matter how short, bears more significance than anything else. In one way or another, they have been instrumental in me finding out more about myself and about life in general. But if I were given a chance to spend an entire weekend with these people again, I will gladly take it.

I don't think they would read this but I'm doing this pretty much for myself, hehe..

Ron
You left. I could say, well, finally. You've been planning to go to the States since high school. But what I really wanted to say was sayang whatever it was that never happened because we were both stupid enough not to notice. But I guess, in all things, when it doesn't happen, it was not meant to happen. I know you'll be okay where you are. I hope you can find friends to play basketball with. I know basketball was your first love anyway.

John
This guy doesn't run out of stories! He is fun without really being funny. Always, the entire trip from Ayala to Fairview (It felt like we went to Batangas! It was that long!) was bearable because I was with him. Andami nyang kwento! He would tell why he ditched Ateneo for La Salle on his third year (He said he left before Ateneo would kick him out. I didn't believe this. I thought he went to La Salle to go after his girlfriend. He never admitted that, anyway.). When we met he had a mohawk. Okay, not the hardcore mohawk ala Chester Bennington circa Papercut video (hey, that's Linkin Park). I called it pretty boy mohawk. I didn't believe him when he said he had dreadlocks before. But crafty guy that he is, he even pulled out a picture and even went on to explain haircare and styling for dreads. Fine, John, you had dreadlocks! Everytime I would pass that part of North Fairview, I will always hear you say, "Tingin ka sa kanan. Yung gate na brown, bahay namin yun!" He was like a kid! He would say that everytime he would get off the bus. Oo, na, brown nga ang gate ninyo!


Jhoane
Initially, I thought you were too astig. I must admit that you sort of intimidated me at first. I don't know how we became close. I don't think you are aware of it but you do look like Barbie Almalbis. I am reminded of you everytime I see her. You were someone I can talk to about everything -- art film, indie, commercial production (you had that stint at Unitel!), your life in LA, your club/rave/drunk-at-class days at the UP Film. You never influenced me to smoke but I must admit that I changed my mind about tequilla and coffee because of you. Hindi, I didn't become tomador. But I can now down a cappuccino grande in 10 minutes flat.


Nikki
You will always be this sweet girl! Even now that you are a mom. You're this simple girl who knows what she wants and loves the people she care about so much. We could have been best friends.

Allan
Big guy, funny guy. You are like this big hugable bear. Except I guess because there is still this maniac part of you,hehe!! I miss your short stories. I miss your jokes.

Paolo
Isa kang pang-asar sa buhay ko! I don;t know why you would always pick on me before. Nothing escapes you. It was as if your day won't be complete unless you made my day a bit miserable. But really, it was okay. I was never pikon, anyway. You were actually the first person I missed when I left. But come to think of it, you left first.

Ava, Cel, Jazel, Bernie
You made my first August 16 in UP the most memorable August 16 of my life. If I need to pick housemates again, I'll chose all of you!

Patience is a terrible thing. It's something that I have been trying all my life to master. This universe has been throwing things at me to test, and perhaps even mock my patience.

My hair won't grow past the shoulders. It takes a millennium, really. He said that my hair has always been that short, probably since we first met. That would be a year or two. He said I'm too mainipin. He said that when I told him I felt like cutting my hair again. Eight months later, I haven't been to a salon to get a haircut. While he has been getting a trim every three weeks.

It takes forever to wait for a bus. But I still wait.
It takes forever to wait for him. But I still wait.


++++
Thank God for Typecast!!!!!!!!!!